just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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