My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
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