well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
