I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
