I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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