Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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