so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
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Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
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I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
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