And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
