My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
