6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
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