i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
