why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
