i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
soo... how was my night?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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