He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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