I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
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it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
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I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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