im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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