I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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