just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
