There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
