I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
