he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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