Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
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