I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
