My underwear smells like fireworks.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
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He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
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It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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