I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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