Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
