I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
