I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
