just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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