I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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