Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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