I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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