In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I am one with the molecules
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
