Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
