1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
