david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
