so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
