we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
