i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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