i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
