remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
