Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
