Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
