and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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