textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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