Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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