I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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