no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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