remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
