I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
