So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
