You made me cry and you don't even care
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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