Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
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He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
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What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
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