did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
