when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I deserve this hangover.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
