i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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