You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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