woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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